I suffered from depression, anxiety, and alienation my entire life. I was criticized, bullied, alienated, and made the scapegoat by not only my family but also those at school. My first suicide attempt was at 11 years old. I didn’t truly want to die. I wanted the pain that haunted me every day to stop. I wanted an escape.

I soothed myself with alcohol, shopping, sex, video games, and more. But nothing made the pain go away. All they did was to just numb the pain for a while. I struggled through college, taking 9 years to complete it, and battled constant overwhelming feelings and many medical issues.

When I was 45, I received a diagnosis of autism, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) as a result of my son’s matching diagnosis. I was relieved to find out my challenges were not character flaws as I had grown to believe but rather a neurological difference.

I had become a believer 8 years prior, and my depression and anxiety lessened, but I knew there had to be more. I came to believe God has a reason and purpose, and it was my job to go to the Lord to find out what they were. Autistic or not, I am still the righteousness of God in Christ, and God doesn’t make cast-offs. I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and He purposed this to bring glory to His precious, holy name.

The life expectancy of a person with severe autism is just under 40 years old, and the majority of us with high-functioning autism cannot hold down a job. These reasons can contribute to us having a higher tendency to be suicidal and less successful than neurotypical people. My diagnosis might sound like a death sentence to some, but it made sense of my struggles and helped me to feel less of a “loser.”

However, since watching Pastor Prince’s sermons and changing my thinking to align with God’s, I have not had a suicidal thought in over 3 years. Jesus has guided me to many of the answers to my physical health issues, and my health has drastically improved through partaking of the holy Communion.

As I seek first Christ’s care and control, my life keeps improving. I serve as a worship leader and am due to retire in 5 years. I also plan to return to school to pursue a doctorate so that I may help adults with autism. It is my hope that with the Lord’s guidance, I can help other people with autism find hope and healing through Christ!